The first thing was not being able to see my son for the first few hours of his life. And when I did meet him, we were both being wheeled from different ends of the hospital and we met in the corridor, him in a box and me on a trolley bed unable to move. I peeked at him and he was so chubby and cute and thankfully not crying. I was very blessed my midwife was able to stay in recovery with my husband and baby and she took some truly beautiful photos of my son's first moments into the world, that I will forever be grateful for as it was time I did not get to spend with him. She told Milo to take his shirt off so they could have immediate skin to skin, the pictures she took are priceless, Milo and Mitchell just staring at eachother, very much knowing and loving eachother from the start.
Then we were wheeled into our room, I was delighted Mitchell was here safely, but was not in any real alert state, I was exhausted from the intense labour and then the ceasarian and then the drugs I was on. I just wanted to sleep sleep sleep. Visitors came and went during visiting hours but mostly I was by myself. The kids loved Mitchell straight away which was wonderful and I liked having people there to hold him and change him if needed, I was barely able to hold him let alone breastfeed properly. Again, I just wanted to sleep. The first night I'd had no sleep at all, the drugs were making me hyper alert but also totally exhausted, but I wasn't able to switch off and sleep, plus you get nurses coming into check through the night etc, so it makes for a very uncomfortable way to bond with your baby and just be rested.
Recovering from a ceasarian is definately a lot different to when you have your child naturally. Everything is an effort, getting into bed, not being able to lay flat to go to sleep, not having the energy to get back up. Showering is difficult, dressing yourself is difficult, you're basically only just functioning. It was very intense. My husband has a brain injury and short term memory problems, I had no support from him after all he'd been there seeing me, watching me go through what I did, he had absolutely no concept of how much it impacted me and how I could not do ANY THING! The first day we were home it was a nightmare, I was in so much pain, I had many tears and many angry outburts. Thankfully my friends rallied around and sorted out a schedule for me where they basically filled in for me, once that was happening things got better, I was getting regular meals dropped off, people taking my son to school and picking him up for me, helping hold Mitchell while I showered, fed my kids for me, etc etc. They really were a godsend. Milo wasn't much help unfortunately, he tried but it was just super frustrating. One day he took 2 hours to clean up the kitchen for lunch, then I asked him to start dinner which was simply spaghetti bolognaise, and it took another 4 hours till we sat down to eat, I was starving, grumpy and feeling incredibly frustrated. Thankfully again my friends came to the rescue and sorted things out as best they could around their own familes and committments which i'm forever grateful for. I was ordered to rest as i was trying to do too much and ended up in extreme pain, I didn't really realise how full on a ceasarian was so was just trying to maintain my normal activities which was not a good idea.
It was hard telling the kids I can't pick them up, I had to sit down so that they could give me a hug, they were also brilliant at being my little helpers where they could and they would pick stuff up for me and they were really pretty good with the whole thing which i'm very fortunate. I really hate how the ceasarian made what was supposed to be a happy time made it all the more stressful and traumatic. Everyone in my family relies on me, i'm the only one that can drive, take Josh to school, make dinner, organise schedules and all the other bits and pieces that us mothers and women do. I didn't realise how much my family NEED me when I wasn't able to be there for them and it still makes me upset that I wasn't able to do anything for them. I felt helpless, irritated and quite upset about it, but I knew at the end of the day, there wasn't anything I could do to change it.
While at the hospital the doctor who was discharging me commented that Mitchell had got stuck, it was considered an obstructed labour, and his head was also deflex which means the largest part of his head was presenting. So after hearing that, I knew I did the right thing by transferring, I knew that the ceasarian was necessary to get him out safely. I just did not know how much the ceasarian would impact my life, when I was trying to care for a newborn, deal with a husband who had no insight into any of it and then two other children who didn't really understand why mummy couldn't take them to the park, to the shops etc, because if their own father didn't get it, how could they?
Thankfully the first few weeks have past and we are managing as a family of 5 now, but it's really upsetting that I didn't get the birth I wanted because I didn't want to have to rely on others, I wasn't supported by my husband the way I needed to, but there are obvious positives, I have a beautiful new son, my older two are undeniably in love with their new brother, my friendships that i'm forever grateful for their support during those difficult times. And I learned that I am strong, I am needed, and that I bloody well do a great job! I have learned a lot and despite the fact i'll always mourn the birth I never got with my Mitchy Moo, I adore him so much and he's brought me so much happiness I am thankful and very blessed.
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